Why do I tend to keep things that don't work? Miraculously thinking that someday it will be good and useful again - despite the fact that it is usually damaged beyond repair or would probably just take too much time and effort to repair!
The truth is - this habit reflects my outlook on my life itself. Holding on to the broken, hoping some miracle will make it work. It seldom does, but faith keeps me going - faith in God. Though I believe in HIM completely, I know nothing comes without effort. I KNOW this, but yet, I procrastinate. Nothing comes with just "living a day at at time". True it's good to take a breather, but most of the time a good ol' kick in the butt is needed to get you going! With me it will be a steady supply of kicks and an occasional hammering on the head too.
As of today I struggle to keep things organised - material and spiritual. It's weird how I am able to manage and organize my work and staff but I can't keep my life together. Perhaps I feel that work is the only area of my life that I can control, that I am in charge of and I know I can organize.
Life, well life is just that. I never know when a curve ball is coming my way. Controlling it means having to control the elements that affects it. I envy those people that seem to have it all together. But then again, looking at them I feel tired as they seem to be constantly on their toes - controlling, scheduled - tiring.
Am I happy now? No. I remember making a promise to myself 2 years ago that I would make myself happy. I would find ways. I tried - with all my heart I tried. The things is, when you're terribly happy because of someone or something, it doesn't last. The trick is to be happy with yourself first, or at least be content with who you are. So no, I am no longer happy, I am content.
I am content with being miserably unhappy. I don't find the need to be happy and have flowers in my heart everyday, cos you know what, you fall much harder when you're from cloud 9. I now prefer to be well grounded and miserable and happy to be happy on occasions that warrant it.
Now if I can just stop being so blardy content and start organizing my mess!
